The Family
REARING CHILDREN WITHOUT FEAR
A number of years ago, the late singer and songwriter Johnny Cash recorded a song titled, “A Boy Named Sue.” While this song is meant to be lighthearted and humorous, it also speaks volumes of how parents can fall into the trap of trying to control and manipulate their children. In this particular song, a rough and tough father who is about to abandon his family decides to name his son Sue in an effort to toughen him up and cause him to become a “real man.”
As expected, the boy ends up fighting his way through life because of the shame of having a girl’s name.
While in the song this father’s plan did make his son tough, it did not build strong character in him. Beating up on everyone who crosses you doesn’t make you, or anyone else, strong. The strongest men are not men of violence, but are those who know how to love with the love of God.
It worked for Mama – or did it?: In the same way the father in “A Boy Named Sue” used shame and humiliation to toughen up his son, parents today – like countless generations of parents before them – have used fear in an effort to control the behavior of their children.
For instance, how many times have you heard or said something like this: “Now, sweetheart, don’t run out in the street like that again. Daddy is afraid you will get run over by a car.”
That’s fear, pure and simple. It is using fear to manipulate your child into doing what you want him or her to do. What’s more, by saying those kinds of things, you are raising your child in a spirit of fear.
One might say, “How else is a child going to learn to watch out for cars and be safe? Everyone knows in a situation like this that a little fear might be healthy.”
But there is never a time when a little fear – or a lot for that matter – is healthy.
Revelation 21:8 exposes the deception in that kind of thinking: “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” Fear, doubt, abominations, murder, whoremongering, sorcery, idolatry, lying – not one of these is healthy. Not in the slightest. And notice where fear is on this list of undesirables – at the very top.
The truth is, you really have no desire for your children to be afraid, or fearful. No parent does. You wouldn’t have your children terrorized every time they see a car coming their way. You simply would like for them to develop enough sound judgment about cars to stay out of the street and not get run over.
But parents often fall back on fear to try and get the job done. Why? Because that’s the way their parents reared them, which was how their parents reared them, and their parents had reared them. Out of ignorance, generation after generation has sown fear into their children. Generation after generation has reaped that fear.
Without a doubt, children need information to help them succeed in life. But they also need to be taught how to walk by faith – and not just in potentially dangerous situations, such as getting hit by a car. They need to be shown how to take the Word of God and use it to meet any situation head-on and overcome it – not run from it.
When parents are out of control: To break a cycle of fear in your life and the lives of your children, you need to first go to the Lord and ask Him if you are indeed promoting and imparting a spirit of fear to your children. If you are, then repent of it before God. After all, it’s not your job to control and change people – not even your own children. And you certainly should not be trying to do it through fear.
Consider Paul’s statement: “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).
Since God did not give us a spirit of fear, we have no business promoting it or using it as a tool, especially where our children are concerned.
If your children are going to have sound judgment and sound decision-making skills, then you must take time to teach them. You are going to have to invest quality time in them. One of the reasons there’s been so much failure in rearing children is because parents are not taking the time to love them in prayer. And by that we mean, setting aside a designated time to pray for them and with them, and hold them before the Lord.
This doesn’t mean crying out, “Oh God, can’t You help me with these kids? I’m afraid they’re going to jail. I just know they’re doing drugs.”
No, that’s fear-based prayer – praying out of torment. You need to pray through moments of quietness, when you call the names of your children before God and purposely begin to love them from your heart with “the love of God [that] is shed abroad in our hearts . . .” (Romans 5:5). In prayer, bathe them in faith and love – after all faith works by love (Galatians 5:6). So instead of fretful, tormented prayers, pray something like this: “Lord, I love my son and I’m holding him before You right now. I see You holding him in Your arms, ministering life and peace and comfort to him. Lord, I realize that You love him far more than I ever could. And Father, I pray for the peace of God that passes all understanding to stand guard over his heart and mind. Help him, Lord, to be full of You, to know You, and worship You. And Father, help me see my son the way You see him. Help me love him with Your love.”
As a word of caution, when you begin praying in this manner, it may seem a little shallow at first. But remember, love at its most shallow point is deeper than anything else.
If you desire to see your children develop strong godly character, then as a parent, love them with the love that He has imparted into your heart. And realize that His love is not merely human love – it’s supernatural Love, Himself.
Allow that love to grow, expand and develop until you become rooted and grounded in love that you might be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:17-19).
Once you are filled with the fullness of God, there is no room for fear. Every prayer you pray for your children, every thought of them, will be love-based and faith-based.
And love never fails.
